Steve's Excellent Central Asian Adventure Part II

Ok, so where did I leave off? Oh yeah, the Uzbek-Kazakh border and how the worst was yet to come! After being given the green light to leave Uzbekistan, in marched the Kazakh border authorities to check passport and papers. Unlike the Uzbeks, these guys were absolute ass-holes (sorry to offend anyone but that is the kindest word I can use to describe them)! They came into my compartment, sat down on the bed across from me flipping through my passport, not once, not twice, not three times, but at least four times. It was all a game of messing with my mind and trying to dislodge a sudden confession from me that I was really a Russian drug mule smuggling in several hundred pounds of opium. Being right near Afghanistan the area is an interstate for drug trafficking, so I guess they don’t f*ck around out there in the Wild Wild East.

Anyway, back to the Russian drug mule! No, I was not a Russian drug mule; I was just a crazy American who enjoyed visiting very off-the beaten path places. The officer asked me where I was headed, what I was doing there, why I was in Uzbekistan, etc.., etc.., etc.. After what felt like a ten-hour interrogation (it was only about 10 minutes) he finally left me alone to sit in my sauna, I mean compartment! Having finished the interrogation, I really needed to use the bathroom. As I stepped out to the restroom, the stewardess cursedly informed me it was closed.

-       “Closed?” I asked.

-       “YES closed, until the train starts moving again!”

I guess that they do not want to take any chances that someone would hide away in the bathroom while the Uzbeks and Kazakhs sweep the train. Back I went to my compartment, hot and now in pain because I could not use the bathroom. No worries I thought, they’ll be done in no time. 10 minutes of waiting turned to 20, 20 morphed into 40, 40 gave way to an hour until nearly an hour and a half or so later the train started to move. So far we had spent about two to three hours sitting at the two borders waiting for paper and passport checks. The security on the borders is tight, not only because they hate each other’s guts but because of illegal immigration from Uzbekistan to Kazakhstan.

So, finally, finally we were off….off to see the Wizard, ummm….no…I mean Borat, I mean Almaty in 21 hours. I felt good, good that I had left Uzbekistan and I was on my way to visit my friend Ilari in Almaty, Kazakhstan. That euphoric feeling soon turned to irritation when I heard another knock on my door. Maybe it was the stewardess or steward bringing me tea or someone had the wrong cabin? WRONG! To my surprise it was a Kazakh soldier wanting to see my passport again. He looked it over, asked me twenty questions in Russian about whom I was, my profession, and where I was going. Ok I thought, maybe somebody somehow entered my data wrong and they just needed to come back and re-check it. However, this would not be the case as they returned, not once, not twice, not even three times but four to five times more to check my passport and visa. There was nothing I could do, I was trapped on board this crappy train and Almaty was at least 12+ hours away. I figured that the guys most likely were as bored as I was and had some type of sick bet on how many times they could harass that poor dumb American in Cabin 1.

24 hours of this!

The scenery was quite boring, rolling hills and flat land or what is known in Russia and Central Asia as the steppes. I was exhausted and laid down for about an hour. When I woke up nothing had changed, the scenery was the same. How could that be I thought, I felt the train moving, yet the scenery was absolutely the same!? There would be no change since flat, rolling hills are par for the course in Southern Kazakhstan.

I was still dying of thirst. I tiredly stumbled out of my cabin and asked the steward how long till Chimkent, the next city. He stated the train would likely pull in around 11 PM. It was only about 7 PM, another four hours to go. A family in the compartment next door to me was kind enough to let me share a bottle of Fanta orange pop with them. I am always wary of drinking from bottles that others have drunk from (especially in a foreign country and especially from strangers) but I was desperate!

Between the ass-hole soldiers harassing me every several hours to babies screaming and crying so loud I was surprised the windows did not break, it was a miserable night! The next morning I woke up to the same boring scenery! At last there was a ray of hope on the horizon, an actual city, with actual goods!! As I exited the train I was suddenly mobbed by a crowd of babushkas (grandmothers/old ladies in Russian) trying to sell me everything from cigarettes to vodka to vegetables to homemade Russian crepes to Coke to whatever you can think of!! Although I was pretty hungry and thirsty I was on a mission, a mission to exchange my wheelbarrow full of Uzbek Soms. I had probably about 30,000 or so Soms which added up to about $15, small but worth trying to exchange. I walked into the cigarette smoke filled terminal and found an exchange kiosk. I politely asked the man, smoking a Russian box cigarette, if they would exchange Uzbek Soms for Kazakh Tenges. He yelled at me, “NYET” or “NO” and slammed the makeshift Exchange Kiosk window. Damn….….. service with a frown, Welcome to Kazakhstan! Luckily, the miracle that is the ATM machine was there for me in a pinch and I was able to return to my cabin with loads of bliny (Russian crepes), Coke, candy bars and whatever other food I could get my hands on.

Typical Kazakh scenery, village after village!

The rest of the ride to Almaty was quite miserable! The scenery did not improve, the room was still heated to a balmy 80° +, however at least I had drinks and food. As our train FINALLY, FINALLY lurched into Almaty I heard yelling outside my cabin. I slowly opened my cabin door and the stewardess (who I think put the soldiers up to harassing me) was arguing angrily with another passenger. Supposedly, at least from what I could make from listening to angry, machine gun Russian, the stewardess had thrown out all the family’s baby food and other food mistaking it for garbage. I’ve seen teenage girls fight over things, but wow this a fight/smack down for the ages!

As I stepped off the train lugging my suitcase and backpack, I felt euphoric!! After 24 hours of hell, I’d finally reached my destination. Phew I thought…..the worst was behind me, now I can hang out with my friend, Ilaria, enjoy the beautiful Tien Shein mountains that I’d always dreamt of visiting and relax! Yep…life was good! But, just like last time, I will pull a page from Batman where the narrator announces the famous line, “THE WORST WAS YET TO COME”! Tune in next time to read how I almost was dragged off to a Kazakh gulag. Thanks for reading and all the positive feedback!

Almaty Train Station I